Travel Anxiety

In the days, weeks, and even months leading up to a trip or an international move, I always seem to to become anxious. Besides some momentary spikes here and there, it's more or less a gradual buildup.  Closer to the date of departure, the anxiety is more associated with the process of making sure everything is in order (packing, tying up loose ends at home, etc.), but I think most of my anxiety deals with how open to possibilities the upcoming travel event (a trip or an international move) will be. This isn't to say that my anxiety is focused solely on the negative possibilities of travel event. That is part of it, but I think most of my anxiety before a travel event just comes with trying to rationalize the unknowns.

To me, this can be nicely summarized with the following quote:

"[Anxiety] is altogether different from fear and similar concepts that refer to something definite, whereas anxiety is freedom’s actuality as the possibility of possibility."

This quote comes from a philosopher I admire, Soren Kierkegaard. Kierkegaard is famous for his philosophical ruminations on anxiety (amongst other topics). Many consider him the father of existentialism in part because of this. He associates the feeling of anxiety with the "dizziness of freedom". He once used the example of a man who is standing at the edge of the cliff. The man has the choice to either throw himself off of the edge or stay put. The fact that he has the choice to choose even the most terrifying of possibilities (throwing himself over the cliff) is dread and anxiety-inducing.

To me, this is what it's like to go on a long trip or to move to a new country: throwing oneself off of a cliff (metaphorically, of course). One is leaving everything familiar behind. One leaves family, friends, jobs, and familiar places and customs to reluctantly embrace new family, friends, jobs, and places and customs. It's stressful, and yes, anxiety-inducing.

I recently came upon an article discussing Kierkegaard's concept of anxiety in terms of creativity. A portion of the article quotes another author, Rollo May, from his book The Meaning of Anxiety, on Kierkegaard's idea of anxiety in terms of creativity (it's rather long, but I thought it appropriate to include all of it):

"One would have no anxiety if there were no possibility whatever. Now creating, actualizing one’s possibilities, always involves negative as well as positive aspects. It always involves destroying the status quo, destroying old patterns within oneself, progressively destroying what one has clung to from childhood on, and creating new and original forms and ways of living. If one does not do this, one is refusing to grow, refusing to avail himself of his possibilities; one is shirking his responsibility to himself. Hence refusal to actualize one’s possibilities brings guilt toward one’s self. But creating also means destroying the status quo of one’s environment, breaking the old forms; it means producing something new and original in human relations as well as in cultural forms (e.g., the creativity of the artist)."

Now obviously, this concerns the artist directly, but I think it's more than applicable for the traveler.

When we as travelers and expats go to another country and truly immerse ourselves in a new culture, we're "destroying old patterns within [ourselves], progressively destroying what [we] have clung to from childhood on, and creating new and original forms and ways of living" and "destroying the status quo of one's environment, breaking old forms". "Creating new and original forms and ways of living", I should add, would be better thought of in this context as adapting to a new culture and the inner conflict (and sometimes, cognitive dissonance) that comes with accepting competing modes and perspectives when we put ourselves in a new environment. After living in a new culture, it's hard not see people, society and culture, and situations differently.

For example, after living in China and South Korea, I experienced what it was like to live in extremely collectivist cultures as opposed to the extremely individualist culture of the US. Living in China and South Korea not only allowed me to see the benefits and consequences of collectivism, but also allowed me to look more objectively at the benefits and consequences of individualism in the US. While I wouldn't say I have adopted a collectivist psyche, I tried to understand it, adapt to it, and apply it to my life in small, beneficial ways.

This is an example of trying to synthesize old modes and perspectives with the new modes and perspectives to "create new and original forms and ways of living." I don't think this at all the main reason why people travel or become expats, but it's certainly one of its vast benefits.

It's a fact: traveling changes you, and almost always for the better.

But first, you have to give up yourself to the possibility of possibility.